Of Tiny Terrors and Flirtatious Felines
by Jeebus dirtface
Summary: Renji finds himself one night babysitting Yachiru, with Yourichi. Oh, how the fates conspire against him!


Author's note:Why? Because he's the easiest character for me to write about!

Disclaimer: I own Bleach. It's kept underneath my sink in a bottle and very occasionally found in my hair.

Warning: Exposure to my style of humour and crack.

The fates are conspiring against him. Truly, they are. He surveyed the scene before him.

Shihouin Yourichi, the legendary prodigy of soul society, one of the most beautiful women ever, and a cohort to the enigmatic, yet powerful Urahara Kisuke, stood before him. But that was not all.

She'd brought Yachiru, carrying the small mass from hell in her arms; in other words, the subject of the majority of his nightmares whilst he was in the 11th squad. Forget the monster that was Kenpachi: the men of the 11th squad soon found out the pink haired vice was the real object of terror. Not that he had many nightmares mind you, being the manly man that he is.

"Zaraki wants us to baby sit her tonight. I agreed." She simply said, and now had his cooperation. She pushed past him and into his quarters, otherwise known as the shoddy apartment of the 6th squad's vice-captain; a far cry from the luxuries of the captain.

"Huh?" He stood there, still dazed from what was transcending. Yourichi turned back to him, with a giggling amused Yachiru in her arms.

"Are you just going to stand there?" She said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Snapped out of his trance, he quickly closed the door. It was a surprisingly chilly night. An unnerving shiver ran down his spine.

Once the events sunk in, he decided to exert his patriarchal dominance.

"What the hell is this!" He pointed incredulously at Yachiru.

"Oh? I thought you two were already acquainted."

"Red hair!" Yachiru squealed and jumped onto her exclamation.

"Gah! Let go! Let go, demon child!" He screamed foolishly as she attempted to determine whether his hair was detachable. Yourichi was no help, as she proceeded to point and giggle at his expense. Her tugs on his red locks softened, although they were by no means painless.

"Your hair isn't as nice as hers!" She declared disappointedly.

"What the hell are you talkin' 'bout?" He said, trying, but miserably failing to remove the pink parasite from his cranium.

Yourichi gave an elegant twirl, with her hair swinging around gracefully.

"She means me."

"What! My hair-argh! Let go! Why won't you let go?" He screamed as she recommenced the yanking of Renji's hair.

"Red hair! Red hair!" She squealed in delight, trying to free it from the constraints of his follicles. Yourichi finally decided to put her intellect to Renji's benefit.

"How about Renji-kun will play a game with you if you let go?" She presented as an alternative. Perhaps it wasn't to be as beneficial as originally surmised.

"Any game?" Yourichi smiled and nodded. Yachiru pondered the proposition momentarily, jerked a ball of Renji's hair, causing the poor man to yelp in more agony, before jumping off him.

"Okay!"

"Now what game do you want to play?" Yourichi asked sweetly. Yachiru took no time in answering as Renji rubbed his harassed scalp.

"Horsie!" Renji froze. He then turned slowly toward, horror stricken.

"I refuse." He said quietly. Both females looked at him oddly. He stared right back at them, this time anger governing his expression.

"I said I fuckin' refuse!" He stumbled backward as Yachiru crawled toward him, pouting.

"That's not gonna work on me this time, you psychotic monster! Me an' Ikkaku couldn't walk straight for weeks after the last time!" He screamed hysterically. Yourichi arched her eyebrow in curiosity. What kind of game exactly was this 'horsie'?

"Surely, a big vice-captain like you isn't going to be scared into submission by a little girl?" Now, for all of Renji's experience on dealing the evil critter, he was not about to take this heinous attack on his manhood.

"I aint scared! I'm just…cautious, that's all. You don't know what she's like!" Yourichi laughed heartily at this, and crossed her arms over her chest. Cocking her head to one side, she decided to give him a little encouragement.

"How's this then: If you perform this 'horsie' game, then I'll teach you a technique that can beat Ichigo," she paused for effect, having gained his undivided attention, and even Yachiru's, "a technique that not even Byakuya-bo knows of." Renji regarded her suspiciously.

"Can it beat Captain Kuchiki?" Yourichi smirked; like a moth to the flame.

"If you can master it, maybe." Renji contemplated her offer: she was the phenomenal Shihouin Princess and so surely she must've invented some amazing techniques. He looked down at the misleadingly cute pink blob on the ground. He sighed. Fate was being cruel and twisted to him today. He got on all fours.

"Hop on, brat." Yachiru chirped triumphantly as she jumped onto a delicate part of his body, and he winced. This was not going to end pretty for him.

* * *

Yourichi soon found out why Renji became frantic earlier on. Whilst Yachiru herself was a small girl, her spirit pressure was disproportionately extremely high. Every time she jumped on Renji, she would focus it into the point of contact unwittingly, and Renji would have to equal it, otherwise he would suffer terribly. And there were several instances when he failed to equal it. 

In the end, Yachiru gave up and fell asleep on Renji's back.

"Is it over?" He looked up pleadingly at Yourichi. She couldn't disappoint him with such desperation in his eyes. She bent down and picked up the slumbering bundle. It was strange that something so small and cute could create so much havoc.

"Don't be fooled by that. It'll be the death of you." Renji was now resting on his arms and ass, still breathing heavily. "At least she's a heavy sleeper. Now, what about that move you were talking about earlier?"

"You're an eager one, aren't you?" He smirked.

"No time like the present, right?"

"Let me just put her down. We wouldn't want anyone to disturb us." She moved to the next room and placed her on Renji's disordered duvet.

She returned to the room to see the vice-captain on his feet now, stretching his muscles, still cringing from the pain.

"Lie on your front first." She instructed. He gave her a quizzical look but proceeded. If this move could beat that bastard Kurosaki and potentially Captain Kuchiki, then this following this strange command would be worth it.

She lifted his shirt up from behind, her hands stroking his skin sensually. He felt like protesting, but her smooth touch quelled his standard ferocity.

Stroking his marred skin from Yachiru's unintentional assault, he felt his tensed muscles relax and his guard fall away completely. She rubbed circles around certain points, and it felt magnificent, he had to admit. He didn't say anything and neither did she.

She lifted her hands away and pulled his shirt back down again.

"Feel better?" He sat up and realized the pain has subsided, no, it was gone. She had healed him. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, she was incredible.

"Uh, yeah, I guess." He rubbed his head sheepishly. The moment felt rather uncomfortable. She got up and walked away.

"Just getting a drink, Renji-kun. I'll show you the move when I get back." His eyes followed her sleek form leave the room and enter the kitchen. She had a very sleek form, yes, very sleek indeed. He shook his head thoroughly after detecting the lecherous thought. Now would be one of the worst times to get a crush. Especially her of all people, not that there was anything wrong with her; far from it, she was superb.

"Okay, let's get this over with." His head snapped up. He hadn't even sensed her return, too lost in his own wanderings.

"Uh, yeah, let's," he murmured back.

"Now pay attention." He felt her spirit pressure increase considerably, and then she disappeared: Goddess of Flash indeed. Suddenly his vision became cloudy and there was an explosion of spirit pressure at his feet. His quick reflexes managed to get him out of the way in time and he held up his arms defensively. Just what kind of dangerous technique is this?

The cloud of spirit pressure became translucent and he could make out her figure. In fact, he could make out her figure very well: the dark skin, the luscious curves, and an adorably flat stomach and then…his hand slapped over his eyes.

_Must not succumb…_

Yourichi watched on as his eyes roamed her body and smirked victoriously. But then his hand went to cover his eyes. He was no different to Ichigo, she mused.

"Oh dear, oh dear, I may have gone a little extreme for you." Upon hearing her voice, he regained his voice.

"What-what the hell are you doing!" He asked incredulously, pointing with his free hand.

"The secret move, silly!" She said it like it was the most palpable thing in the world. His shoulders drooped though his hand remained, positively failing to cover up his eyes now. After all, he was still a man.

"Don't screw with me!" He shouted desperately. She only grinned at this.

"Do you admit defeat?" She said, slowly approaching him. He swallowed a massive lump of bile in his throat. The atmosphere had suddenly become very humid. She was standing right in front of him now, curling his hair in her fingers playfully.

"Y-yes…you win," he barely whispered, face resembling his hair colour. With that, she leaned forward into his ear, and spoke,

"I've never lost using this technique, you know." With that, she flashed away and there was another mini-explosion of spirit pressure. Once that cloud cleared, she was fully clothed again, much to his reassurance.

"Gah! You're no different than Ichigo!" She proclaimed offhandedly. With her dressed modestly, he regained his poise.

"Oi! I'm nothing like that dandelion head!" He shouted at her. She lifted her hands in self-defence.

"Keep it down, you might wake up Yachiru." He paled slightly before relaxing.

"Nah, she's slept through worse." She stepped over one of the new holes in his ground, causing him to grimace and took a seat. Crossing her legs over, she decided to quickly change the subject before being put through an angry tirade about the damage caused by her 'secret move.'

"Why do you hate Ichigo so much?" He was clearly taken off guard, with the typical eyes widening and mouth agape. He quickly tensed up and answered, rather solemnly.

"I don't hate the bastard." She frowned slightly, unhappy with the answer.

"Then why do you always quarrel with him and act like a child when around him?" She inquired resolutely. It was something that presently irked her.

"He managed to do something I've tried for 40 years in the space of a month. He saved Rukia. And I feel like shit compared with that." The mood had become very depressing awfully quickly. She opened her mouth to say something that could cheer him up but was promptly cut off before she could even begin.

"That's why I'm going to train hard and get stronger than the bastard. Then I'll be the one who Rukia'll rely on!" He proclaimed, slamming his fist into the palm of the other hand.

"Wow…that was kinda cute," she interjected seemingly sporadically. He looked at herdisbelievingly before the familiar scowl graced his features.

"What the hell! There's nothing cute about that!" He protested angrily, voice rising.

"What are _you_ talking about? It's adorable!" She chirruped and within a flash he found himself pinned to the very tattered and stained couch residing in his apartment. She was too quick on top of being disturbingly powerful. Even Captain Kuchiki couldn't do this.

Or rather, Captain Kuchiki wouldn't do this. Her face was not even an inch away from his. He could hear his own breathing, laboured due to the current predicament he was in. He forced a smile.

"What-what are you doing?" He stammered out, eyes full of anxiety. She grinned playfully, poking his chest softly.

"You want to prove you're different to Ichigo?"

* * *

He ducked the humongous blast of spirit pressure from his attack and used it as a cover to hide behind some rubble. 

"Where are you, Kurosaki!" The larger man roared, swinging his sword through some concrete debris.

_Renji needs to get over me, _he mimed bitterly to himself, _I think he and Yourichi-san will make a great couple,_the raven haired girl had argued.

"Come out and fight me, Ichigo!" He shouted ferociously, still unable to find his prey.

_You survived him before, you can survive him again, _and she had declared that it would no problem for him. Unfortunately, he was just a fool for her and went along with it, against his better judgement.

The debris just above his head was ripped to pieces by Kenpachi's sword and Ichigo jumped away, closely followed by the tip of the 11th squad captain's zanpaktou.

"What's wrong? Aint you enjoyin' this?" Ichigo would've made a distasteful face but was busy defending it.

Author's note: Longest crack I've ever written. Leave a review if you please.


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